What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 03:06
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
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Who then, do I blame.?
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I will be 64.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What does it mean when we dream about demons, ghosts, monsters, etc.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My life is so biszare .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He knew the spot.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is soul school!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I said to her
She was in good health!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were not on the streets..
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im still living with it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I think the readers, may guess!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
She wouldn,t have been !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I have no regrets .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But ive been too sick for many years..